Saturday, August 25, 2012

Thoughts on life

Thank you to Sarah from Nurse Loves Farmer for the inspiration to write this post.

Life is going to change - and there's nothing I can do about it. This I know. I made that decision with Chris eight months ago when we decided to try again for baby #2.

With Graham's guess date approaching fast I thought I would let you all know how I am feeling about our family going from three to four - First let me tell you that I never saw myself as a mother. Children scared the crap out of me and I couldn't ever see myself as a mum. EVER

All that changed when we found out we were expecting James. Something took over me. I was very protective of the little bean that I was growing in my uterus. I felt instant joy but was also so scared - I think I was scared that I would not be a good mother to this little being. Of course as my pregnancy progressed, I became more comfortable with the idea of being a mum and once I met James for the first time - I felt a love like no other.

Fast forward a year - "Babe I think we should have another baby" Yeah even I was a little shocked at how BAD I had baby fever. It was something I couldn't shake. It was like I needed to become pregnant. When we did become pregnant again, I was so happy and so was Chris - but the time wasn't right and our little bean passed at 6 weeks.

Two months later - we got pregnant with Graham. Again, I was so excited and nervous but I was happy everything was progressing and we were both healthy.

I had a bunch of thoughts running through my head after we knew everything was OK with Graham. How would James react to a new brother? Am I cheating him on time as an only child? Can I actually love this new babe as much as I love James....?

Not to mention - how to heck do we do what we do with two?? Chris was an only child - I have two younger sisters and love them both a lot. But I just kept thinking - are we doing the right thing? Everything seems so perfect right now, will this mess everything up? WHAT AM I TO DO??!! How am I supposed to feel? 

The truth is - everything will be perfect. It's meant to be. Sure I'm scared shitless (pardon my french), but I have been blessed to be able to carry children in my womb. I have enough love to love my two boys and my husband with lots of love to spare.

All my worries, my reservations will go away once he is here. James is going to be a great big brother, and life will fall into place. I will manage my time as well as I can. I will make sure to spend special time with James AND Chris. I will continue on being me. There will be no comparing my two boys as they are individuals. James is James and Graham is Graham. Each of them have their own special something, that makes me love them with all that I have.

I am a good mum and cannot wait for Graham to join our family. We will go from three to four and life will keep going - just with a new addition.

I look forward to the challenges - the hard times, the happy times and the times of pure bliss.

Much love